Eternal glory be to The One whose Love everlasting, pure and simple, unassuming
All receive, none left out, the wicked and the meek,
For ones who are restless and those who sit and wait
Rows of mountains, chasms so deep, all touched, jungles so thick that eternal nights prevail under the canopy of leaves; the air the sky, great open sky , homes of millions of galaxies of microbes and mites and dust, all tended to:
With Sight beyond sight beyond sight, Plunge to the deepest of gorges, Sweep over the highest of mountains, Rummage through the darkest of caves, Stare into the brightest of reflection, yet subtly, o so subtly that none feels, but the most restless of seekers.
Whose Existence is so Real that what are perceived by mortals are but fleeting imageries,
Whose Presence is the only thing Constant that we hopelessly look the other way for the comfort of hopeful forgetting
Praises, love, and subjugation all.
All intention, all work and all prays:
Forgive me, for here I am, burying myself in work, neglecting You.
You're All forgiving One, I am all being forgetful
God, forgive me some more, for I gulp and swig and belch without Your Name mentioned
And I know You will forgive me for this weak body will surely suffer without sustenance for at least every 5 minutes
Lord, I humbly intone for your mercy as I cursed my fellow roadie, cutting in front of me (and I, in my mind’s eye, transforming him into a furry, cute animal not deserving such low analogy for this animal is loyal and sincere as loyal and sincere can be)
Yet, naught but peace do I feel knowing You, God, Owner of All, Demander of none from this servant of Yours, See me whole as a lowly creature with loose tongue and temper shorter than life.
My Love, my God, I cry, hardest, for deliverance as my children take less priority in my days, become more of a burden for my shoulders, grow less adorable with their constant questions and innocent eyes, steal more of my temper as they follow me around, and their pudgy little fingers tug at the corner of my shirt, dishevelling that corner of my shirt thus cruelly ruining the overall impression of my perfectly pressed attire.
Nevertheless, I rejoice: You with Your Overwhelming Compassion, would Brush off this negligence as the sacrifice I have to make for merely the benefit of my self-actualization.
O my Lonesome Stranger here-there-everywhere, I'm now all dead unless Your Might Still the hands of Azrael because my "my love," my "cintaku," my "honey-bunny," my "sayangku," my "dearest," my "mi adore mi amor" is addresed not to my companion I have chosen--
by Your Consent, for what're all of us but as grains
in a weaved basket running this way and that
played by the hands of a skillful granny
before said grains end up in the mill
to be transformed into flour,
then mixed and beaten into dough
for making yummy pie that all who've tasted it
will go to sleep smiling all the while
But I digress--
But, who am I to question Your Everpresence Grace for Knowing and, most importantly, Understanding my desire to be loved--at least in words or more but more on this coming up--more than just by those whose mundane lives I'm part of?
Dear God, here I am, lamenting for Your Forgiveness for my six-pack fresh-from-fitness-center abs/sultry-fragranced perfumed body, my perfectly-symmetrical trimmed hair & moustache/lipstick-covered sensual lips and my schooled posture/sparkling-inviting eyes are not for the person I gave my connubial vow to.
Yet, how relieved I am, Your servant, with my brow kissing the Earth, understanding You would See this transgression of mine as most deemed by society.
My God, You Are the One, as all are nothing but the sum of the parts,
Render my soul with Your Anger for I use my soaring intellects, my exquisite beauty, my out-of-this-world witticism, my breath-taking attention-gathering pleasing figure to win as many hearts as I can, for my own heart is too big for a mere spouse and some runny-nosed kids.
Or as my cool composure and my demure countenance sell me more and win me more hearts for to be loved by many and love them in return is a way I know how to prove me worth it in the eyes of the whole wide world, to fill these rooms within me yearning for praises (call it recognition), for adoration (call it acknowledgement), for devotion (call it friendship), such as my aim.
Yet, again, again and again and again, Your Tenderness, Your Compassion, Your Brand of Forgiving shall Set me free from the burden of guilt, such that I have.
My Maker, Destroy me, I realize not what I am doing
For thinking ill of my dearest acquaintances, for speaking poison about them when they're not looking.
For taking the sweetest apples from their plate, and leaving snakes in its wake.
But who am I to think bad about myself? Isn't it wrong to think of self destruction? And You Forgive me as I once again realize my mistake, until the next day when I repeat the offense, this small remembrance and prayer will prove handy.
My God, The True Possessor, Strip me off of my skin, Sear my flesh, Dry my blood, Grind my bones:
I stroke my vanity 'till it grows tall and proud raising over all else,
I grease my vapidity so that it shines so brightly blinding those who know not the darkened corridors I take
I talk high to bring down those whose merits boil my blood
And I skitter low to jab them high on the neck where their blood flows the freest.
I cater to my ego for if I don't do it, who will?
And despite all these, I find, as I always believe I shall, no truer peace with the Love and Forgiveness You Shower me with.
Lord of all, Pulverize me. For I shudder when I see my actions.
Look at me prancing away the days, looking down on those whose stations in life I sneer at, as a prove of my achievement I've won, as the reminder of my worth.
Hear me talk down to others, Watch me snub the lights of spirit burning in their eyes, Witness as I trample on their hopes,
I see a lady with stumps where her feet should be, dragging her body on a dirty floor of a commuter train, stopping every one foot and extending her hand, showing a palm so black and thick with grime, and I, while cursing the government officials responsible for such ugliness with a thousand black deaths, suddenly find a renewed interest to a text message I've received three months prior saved in my most sophisticated (for at least another couple of weeks) smartphone
all these and more, God,
but of course, You the All-knowing All-seeing, from the division of cells within the tip of an ant's leg to a star going supernova destroying a thousand planets orbitting it.
You See the spittle on the corner of a mouth of a child busker dries up as he sings,
You see a mother on the dirt floor in a tilted hut grinding a dry cassava to make pulp for feeding her four children
You See a man and a woman in a post-coital embrace pouring out their injured hearts (and self esteem) inflicted by their spouses and playing 'what-ifs' as their next round of wild blissfulness approaches,
You see money changing hands under tables and over electronic signals across over thousands of kilometers of wires and radiowaves,
You see my thoughts.
And You See me feeling the suffering of what I'm doing or failing to do and I feel exalted 'causeYou Forgive.
O Maker, Atomize me, the lowly owner of this infernal body:
I fantasize over those adult performer/sinetron star as I lay in my nuptial bed with my other half whispering sweetest nothingness and exchanging grunts,
I lust over those models strutting their luscious/muscle-bound bodies in the pages of those respectable tabloids/'natural-wonderment' websites/shopper's catalogs,
I have my fun-between-the-sheets with the one person, Your Present of Earthly delight for me, with whom my days are weaved in hours filled with domestic bliss
(listening to my spouse's unending stories of unending adventures in a world industry, manufacturing, production and constant development growth; catching the last whif of perfume, now mixed with the fragrance of sweat after a whole day and half of evening self actualizing as hope for a quick shower to also catch a small portion of that freshness people out there have the privy to enjoy this whole day is unrealisitic, for my spouse is too tired for that and what am I if not understanding and empathetic?) and the rearing of our pride and joy, apples of our eyes, our dreams made flesh, our lives on earth guaranteed continuation,
but for grrrrrreat fucks surely I look elsewhere.
I flirt heartily, exchange suggestive messages, touch each other's bare skin,
I have rendezvous at an obscure locale, kiss each other's cheeks, eat from each other's spoon, gaze deep into each other's eyes, open each other's heart, give each other's comforting squeezes as laments pouring out, confessions spilling over, hopes made up,
But not with whom solemn oaths I once exchanged
under the canopy of flowers, claiming You "as my Witness",
flanked by those in whose wombs I knew not
any worry, nor cold, nor bitterness
Only warmth and love 24/7
No, God help me, not with that one, for modern life demands me of this,
And my soul-searching doesn't stop with that pledge, a pledge whose echo sounds more like nuisance to these ever-growing sophistaced ears of mine.
And I get all hot and bothered,
My body itches and my mind a-flame,
With that nuisance word printed on my ID
Like dog on a leash I cry for my human rights,
'Buddhism,' 'Catholic,' 'Christian,' 'Confucianism,'
'Hinduism,' 'Islam' or whatdoyouwanna call it
I've got a thousand excuses for every call I fail to answer,
For I won't be bound by sweet promises that come with it that bind my aspiration
And You, my Omniscient God, You Understand how much I shall lose if I'm bothered by those chains
And in my belief in You I find Your Forgiveness.
And I never, o God, take You for granted
anymore than I will never in my days on earth see me wanting, as You, yea You, always fill my heart and mind,
when I need You.
***** (^_^) *****
