AVATAR Review (SPOILER on HIGH ALERT!!!!)

Storywise…

Well, about this movie I saw just last night?

So there is this island, y’see, … nope, not an island, a planet, yeah, a planet.

Papua is the name—Planet Papua (darn nice name, if I do say so mesself, got them nice ring to it, so to speak). Now, this Planet Pandora. … Did I say, Pandora? Papua? America? Nah, that’s entirely different film, that one is. Iraq? Aw, no. Whoever heard of Planet Iraq... Mmm, Afghanistan? Heck, no, that was Rambo 3 movie, that was (damn fine one, at that). Okay, let’s just call the damn place Planet Pandora. Howzzat?

Now, this planet is here is sooo … beautiful. And I don’t use this word lightly, you mark my word. It’s got all these purdy flowers and such. Darn purdy flowers… The darnest purdiest flowers you ever did see, you mark my words. This planet here—look like that island, Papua—also has got all them strange-lookin’ plants, and them big, big trees. And they glow. Boy, how they glow. They glow when you touch ‘em, y’see. Just poke ‘em a little and see them glow. So, at nights, why, you won’t need no torch or fire or nuthin’. You won’t need none of them, no sirree. Nope. U-uh. So if guys wanna see where you wanna plant your feet in them forest, why, just touch one of ‘em flowers, or leaves, or whatever please ya, thank you very much, and you get your light, and you can just walk in that forest clear as day. And if you touch enough of ‘em leaves, flowers, whatever, why, you can have your disco night right there in the forest. Woo-hoo, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh…ehm, so anyways, the animals in this planet also look damn great and alive. Boy, the way they move, as if they ain’t got no bones or joint, so graceful, if I do say so myself, unlike they way you or me move, no way. When they land on their six feet, my, as if there ain’t no impact between them feet and the hard soil. Damn graceful.

And, this planet has this thing called, don’t laugh now, coz it’s a darn hard name to say, this one, un-ob-taain-niuium. That’s what that is: Unobtainiuium.

Now, this Planet, Pandora, has got this Unobtainiuium aplenty, down in the eart— …err, soil. And this Unobtainiuium will get you mighty fine price here on Earth. Why it’s damn pricey, they have this gazillion dollars equipment sent from Earth to dig out this unobtainiuium, yessiree, that they do. So, even tho’ they have all these gazillion, gazillion pricey equipments, why, with them price that high, they’ll get more gazillion, gazillion dollars more from selling them unobtainiuium, so that’s okay—sending them pricey equipments.

Now, the problem with Halliburt—er, the company doin’ all them diggin’ is that, why, this planet has its people living on it, y’see. Not just some animals, small and big, no sir, uh-uh. The people there, why they have their own tails, yes, they do. And, they look kinda cute, as a matter of fact. But, they’re tall… Man, ain’t they tall… And they speak, and they sing, dance as you please… Damn fine lookin’ people they are, damn fine…whooeee…

Now, this company, Freeport-Halliburton-McMorran Ltd., had this, whaddayacallthat…charge de affair, sumthin’. This young charge de affair looks damn young he shouldn’t be in the movie, y’know what I’m sayin’? He’s damn too young. That director what directed the movie oughta get someone else playin’. Someone older. Now, I’m not against them younger actors, nosirree. But that guy, Ribisi, I think his name was, is just damn too young to play this Palmer guy. He got all worried about them Pandora people not liking one bit their diggin’ in their land, no sir, no ma’am. So Freeport here … wait, wait, did I say Freeport? Damn, that’s just plain wrong…There ain’t no Freeport up there on Pandora. No way.

…

What? I said Halliburton also? What’s Halliburton? I know nothin’ ‘bout no Halliburton, no way, uh-uh.

So, anyways, this company then hire these ex-soldiers, y’see. Toughest lookin’ sonsofbitches you ever did see. Hell, yeah. This Blackrock Company—they’ve got all these cool equipments, heavy artillery, crazy weapons, grrrrreat lookin’ choppers, and they have this leader, Colonel Miles Quaritch, with none-of-your-BS attitude. He’s all military and stuff, he’s all busy-like, barking orders, checking up all them fancy electronic computer equipments with them flashy lights and monitors—he forgets wearing shirt, this fine colonel.

Heck, this colonel is also damn smart, he could operate some of them fancy electronic computer equipments. He’s that smart. And this guy is one tough mutha, tough as nails, only even tougher than the toughest nail you can get down in them buildin’ material store. If this Colonel Quaritch looks at you wrong, why, you’d best crawl back into your mama’s belly, that’s what you gotta do. Yeah. Just crawl back in there you pansy, sissy pretty boy, you… Yeah, yeah, that’s right, don’t let me see your damn fine looking pansy face right there in front of me, you…

…Okay…

So these big boys (from Blackwood Company) with them big guns and big choppers, and cool looking robots—just like those in a movie I saw years ago, ALIENS, I think the movie was called, only here, them robots are all covered and closed up tight so as the people operating them can breath mighty fine, ‘coz, y’see, here in Pandora, we cannot breathe as we’d like to, no sir, uh-uh, so we gotta wear them fancy oxygen mask—are hired to make sure them fine company boys can do their important diggin’ to dig all them unobtainiuium out happy and safe as can be. Whooee, that’s one long sentence, that one. Yeah. Anyways, so as them engineers can do them diggin’ and singin’ them happy songs, all at the same time, they can.

Now, these Papuans—only they are called Na’vi here in this fine movie, I saw just last night, don’t take too kindly these white folks—with some blacks thrown in for good measure—diggin’, and fellin’ their precious shining trees. No way.

So they fight with them cool, cool looking bows and arrows, only since these Papuans are so darn tall, their arrows are like spears to us. Now, you won’t want no spears run thru’ your chest, no sir, no ma’am, thank you very much.

So this cunning people from this Halliburton-Blackwater Company get together, y’see, and talk about how they can solve this damn problem. So they decide to get someone into this Na’vi people. Damn, that was just brilliant, if I do say so mesself. You won’t see that kinda trick pulled here anywhere on Earth. No way. Not in Aceh, not in Afghanistan, not in America, not in Iraq, not in Palestine, not in Zulu, not anywhere. Only in Hollywood, people, only in Hollywood.

So this guy, this spy, this Jake Sully (that’s this guy’s name), get into the tribe, and pretend to wanna be one of ‘em Na’vi people, only at nights he’d, hush-hush, report to this tough-as-nail-only-tougher Colonel With No Shirt On.

Then in the morning, why, this spy, this Liutenant Dunbar, Dances with Wolv—er… learns them Na’vi ways: Hunting, running and jumping from trees to trees like monkeys, catching them fine looking horses that look suspiciously like seahorse, and learn to ride them so damn fine lookin’ birdie with no feathers, y’see, so they look like them dinosaur birds in that Spielberg movie about them dinosaurs. Whooee… Only, of course, he still acts like white boys, debating everything, touching like they are already close, like, comparing with what they know, etc, etc.

Now, the darnest thing is that this Dunbar guy, this spy guy, can’t keep his eyes off his mentor, this fine looking Na’vi lady, Stands With a Fist … that’s ain’t right. It should be shorter…

…

Damn, I was wrong. The name should be Pocahontas, yup, that’s it. Shorter.

So, this John Smith guy, this spy guy, start to get all softie with this Indian princess. And, yup, you know it. They fall in love….. oooh, pooey…. Heh, heh, that Donald Duck, he’s damn funny, he is, heh heh…

So, Pocaneitiri and John Sully-Smith, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-I-N-G, and them looking hardcase soldiers get bored waitin’ for them reports from this Sully guy, this spy guy, about them Indians, when are they gonna move? When are they gonna move? huh? Huh? And this young manager, played by this Ribisi actor, is also like that: When are they gonna move? When are they gonna move? Huh? Huh? I want them diggin’ done in their village there. They’ve got this huge load of unobtainiuium there. The hugest load in the radius of 200 kilometers. Sure, this planet is big (we ain’t talking about island like Papua, here), and we can go look for other motherlode anywhere in this planet, but if we do that, we won’t be able to kill them damn Na’vi then now, would we? Heck, no. There won’t be no damn cool looking battle then now, will there? No sir, no ma’am.

So, we go to war. Whooee… and that was some battle, that was. And this Colonel Quaritch lead the damn invasion with a cup of coffee in hand... And a shirt. Well, well, whaddaya know… It’s that damn caffeine, I guess.

And them arrows, whooee, in the beginning, them arrows can’t break them chopper glass windows, but finally…Yess… them arrows shot through them glass and kill them pilots, yeah, yeah…

Whooee… that was a fine movie I saw just last night. Damn, fine.